Don’t get bitter, get better

This seemed to be the personal reminder I needed.

New Year, New Me?! Snap your fingers and your whole perspective changes? Yeah, like it works IRL.

I’m pretty sure we all know this already: new habits take time to adopt.

Like a cat with 9 lives, I’ve been busy reengineering myself these last couple years. Yes, years! Not months, not days, not with a snap of fingers.

It’s ok to take time and it’s definitively OK to strive for more, for better or both.

Forest, moss and difficult path ahead

A little recap you can skip

You can skip this as I’m just mentioning these points as examples of things I’ve been working on. Things that take time.

I’ve worked on my relationship with money. Baby steps were taken as I took a close look at my expenses. Radical step ensued when I decided to do a year long no-buy challenge. It was eye opening to see where my money went and mind blowing to see how much I could save and how such experiment changed me.

Following this, I started investing, slowly, very cautiously.

Such work & process started over 2 years ago and I’m still not a millionaire. Go figure!

Last year, I started exercising. I’ve always done some sort of exercise, but last year, I stepped up my game. I lost weight, I gained muscle, I gained energy… I told you all about this and more already. I called the process ‘on my way to a new body‘ because this is really how it feels. Like I’ve upgraded my ‘sleeve’ and yet I know this isn’t over. After 9 months or so, I still don’t have a six/eight pack. It’s probably there, but it’s still hidden!

And if we go back in time even more, things were already brewing…

After loosing my mom, my life changed. Although my dad is still independent, I had to take care of him more, going to see him very regularly. In the middle of it, I ended up with a vintage motorcycle and accidentally became a biker! You just can’t predict something like that.

A couple years back, I became independent. It’s has not been a walk in the park! There were some highly stressing moments, times where I thought I would need to go back to a regular job, knowing it would kill me. Knowing that I would hate it with all my heart.

Then things came into places and I was happy with the slow but steady progress.

However 6 months ago, a big opportunity came my way and it threw me off for a while. I think I’m ok with it now. I’ve accepted the changes in my organization and the challenge such opportunity represents… I’ve even accepted the big income increase that comes with it! Refer back to the first point!

There are a couple of other small things I managed to do, which have resulted or are in the process of producing long terms changes. My fairly recent skincare routine upgrade is one. My depth year really helped me focus. Writing here and not on RTatW has been liberating. My last year monthly recaps have been enlightening (this may not seem like much but acknowledging my feelings this way has been a challenge for me!)

Skip to here as we are getting back on topic!

Yes, one may consider that this is just life unfolding. Life events that push in one direction, not the other. Reactions to such events, not always intentional. But you see, the point is that every time, a specific decision was made. It may have lead to surprising results, above expectations for most, but it does start with a decision and a first step in the process.

This way to the dark corners of my soul
This way… to the dark corner of my soul

I got bitter because…

A year and a half ago, my partner and I bought an apartment. We’ll be moving in soon, hopefully. This has been a personal nightmare. It has sucked up so much of my time, my life, my joy. It has made me bitter.

I’ve realized it and I didn’t like it. So I have been trying to understand it.

Realistically, I’m not done with this process, I’m pealing the layers and I have no ideas how many layers there are. It is highly unconfortable!

The real reasons?

One of the first reasons I identified is the resentment that built up toward my partner for his lack of involvement, in the acquisition process and later in the construction process.

Such resentment built up on top of the resentment I already felt for feeling like I was forced to buy such apartment. Buying, where we currently live, isn’t something I wanted. Buying an apartment isn’t something I wanted. To make it ok, I convinced myself it was just an investment. I still repeat it often.

The next layer is where it gets juicy!

In reality, I knew I wasn’t actually forced to buy. I went head first into it. I know that if I had not handled things, it would have not happened. So if I didn’t want to buy, why did I do everything I could to manage the acquisition?

To make my partner happy? Partly. To prove I could do it? Maybe. Because I’m a people pleaser? A little probably.

Because I do not respect my own needs? Because I was unable to just say no? Yep, we’re onto something here.

There is another layer, I’m pealing it at the moment, it has to do with my own insecurity. However I’m not ready to talk about it.

The point here is to show the layers, the various reasons, however you want to call them. And most importantly how reflecting on an issue, brings one back to their own self. No matter how much I wanted to blame my partner, for ‘forcing me’ into this, no matter how much I want to blame the promoter for not doing this or that, etc. the real reason of my bitterness is in me, not because of other people.

Where to?
Where to now?

Once you recognize the issue, you can accept it and change it

Indeed you need to dive deep into yourself to find the roots of your feelings. And deeper still.

Once you are there, in the dark corner of your mind, you can bring light to it. You can recognize it, accept it for what it has been and decide to change it.

By all means, I’m not saying this is easy. I’m not saying it will be done in a blink. New layers will appear when you thought there were none left.

The only thing I’m saying is that one need to take a first step into such direction and it’s probably the hardest step.

I’m not proud of myself for the bitterness I’ve been feeling and how it had lead me to behave. I’m certainly not proud of myself for some of the feelings I’ve uncovered while peeling my soul. I’m especially not proud for trying to blame such feelings on my partner.

This doesn’t mean I now completely accept his lack of involvement. There is no reason for me to have to do it all. But I’m more serene about it, I am getting better at keeping my bitterness in check.

I believe this is now going to be a theme for this year. Checking on my feelings and finding their roots. You have been warned!

Being human is complicated!