Fighting your own demons is the hardest part of living it seems.
Fighting your own demons, recovering from trauma, navigating your emotions, not drowning in them and after the storm, coming back stronger, wilder, happier… this seems to be the hardest work you could ever do. Some people should get a lifetime achievement for such work. Some will never manage. I know which side I want to be. I’m not sure I will succeed.
Nugget of wisdom: stop lying to yourself
I’ve lied to myself and by extension, I lied to whoever read my February recap.
Yes, grief is a b@tch but hate is probably what drained me the most. I wrote a piece called what if you just can’t forgive? which was a big hint. Hate, resentment, vengeance… these wreck havoc my body. From my tummy to my hips, from my back to my heart… I’ve suffered physically the consequences of the horrible feelings that kept coming, that kept pouring. They piled up, until I could no longer carry them.
Box it up and keep it in a hidden corner?! Not as easy to do, as it is to write it.
So I stopped lying to myself. I recognised the issue and gave myself permission to feel. Instead of beating myself up for being a horrible person, at least in my thoughts, I accepted such feelings.
It brought back souvenirs, which are more like nightmares. Things I had almost forgotten, things I had buried for they had left such a stain on my soul. I had worked on these before, but I realised I had just scrapped the surface, I went deeper this time. I hope there aren’t further deeper layers to explore, because I’m not sure I can handle.
I had a storm to weather and I let it pour over me. I was drenched, miserable, it knocked me down with all its strength. Eventually, once I accepted it, it stopped, I got up and the sun eventually started shinning again. Just a little.
Things are not always what they seems at first. You, me, we are all lying to ourselves at times, probably even more than we suspect. It hurts and leads us on the wrong path.
Pause my dear.
Something made me incredibly sad
I read somewhere that over 50% of the youngest generations thinks that “that society has gone too far in promoting the rights of women.” WTF?!
I’ll let you google this topic! I can’t even begin here.
Gratefulness and achievements
I am grateful I have the will to do the work, to face my demons. I’m not sure I have the strength. Only time will tell.
I am grateful for my life, the time I have. It’s not all rainbow and sunshine, quite the opposite but having time to be is a luxury I cherish. Even if such time seems to get stolen.
I got to ride Minty and this always put me in a good mood. Even if I froze to death!
I got to work on the Peugeot tank and maybe I am finally close to the finish line. It’s been way too long, I’m not doing a particularly efficient job!
Minty always makes life better!
In January, after reading Atomic Habits by James Clear, I wanted to apply his technics but couldn’t decide what I wanted to improve in my life! I know it sounds weird but please remember I knew I was going to face a difficult month of February and it was unreasonable to try to do anything drastic. I was drained anyway.
So I decided to run a little daily experiment based on things I mostly do anyway. By adding a mindfulness touch to such things. By being intentional and by being proud of such achievements. And by forcing consistency in area where I’m not always consistent.
This experiment included doing little things, every day:
- Doing something for my wellbeing
- Doing something for my brain
- Cleaning something every day
- Doing something for the apartment everyday
- Doing a little extra in relation to my work
- Showing kindest
- Being grateful
And I must say I failed this month!
Mostly. There was no consistency, no energy, barely any gratitude, certainly no home improvements, and nothing extra.
I achieved the bare minimum and I had not anticipated that at all, as I thought March was going to be easier. It just wasn’t.
What I read
To continue with my small manageable goal to read one non fictional book per month, I devoured The Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success from Deepak Chopra. A tiny book in size but enormous in content! It isn’ easy to digest, it isn’t easy to put into practice. Come back to it often.
Yet, it filled me with hopes. A glimpse of serenity I had not felt in months. I’m still a work in progress though, because right after I felt back deep into the darkness.
Still, I highly recommend such a book. It’s been a recommended read for more than 20 years, so I’m late in the game, but you can’t really go wrong when picking up such a book.
For April, I had picked up another gentle read, which I started early. Oups!
There is only one thing to look forward this month… our amazing trip to Kenya.
Mostly I’m looking forward to getting a grip back, to get my head out of the muddy water and breath.
It is our duty to make the most of our lives. Not just a right, but our upmost obligation. We did not come on Earth to be dull, we came to experience, to live, to thrive, to enjoy… Let’s aim at that everyday!
I didn’t want to go, I went anyway, it was marvellous. Music heals the soul.