When the pain is too great

When the actions were too grave

When the consequences are irreparable

How do you forgive? How can you even consider forgiving?

You know you are the one hurting and you’ve been told times again to let go, to heal. You’ve hears stories of other who seemed to have managed what you believe to be impossible for they had faced true horror. They forgave, they said they did at least, and you kept wondering how?

But maybe you do want to live with such a pain. Maybe this pain is something you do want to hold on, to not ever forget. To forgive it not to forget. To forgive is to move on. Somehow to move on is to open the door to the next betrayal or the next disappointment.

How many times do you have to face the ugliness of humankind? How many punches must you take? How much more can you be crushed? Must you accept to be stumped on, again and again? Must you let your loved ones be treated this way?

The ugliness of some humans can be as dark as the kindness others show is bright. Greediness, envy, jealousy… these are traits that lead to the worst behaviours.

Should you cut out the plagued ones, at the first signs of sickness? Probably. Will you need to burn the tree if full of bad apples? Certainly. Will you be left with a bare land, an empty life? No. From a clean fertile land will grow new shrubs. It might take time for you to be ready to care for such new relationships. It might be hard to trust again. As sure as the sun sets, it will happen. And maybe the cycle will repeat – maybe not.

Meanwhile, you are the one hurting, holding on to this ball of hate in your heart. Box it up and put it aside? Is it the shade it creates which prevents new shrubs to grow?

Maybe, but you know you can’t forgive. You know you have to carry this weight for you weren’t the only to suffer and someone paid an even higher price than you. For them, you have to never forget and the only way to do that is to not forgive.

It might not be the only way. It is simply the only way you know. The only way you see.

And so, even as days, weeks, months passes, the ball of hate is still there. At times it is quiet and suddenly it resurfaces as it gets triggered when you recognise a sentence, a smirk, maybe a gesture. It is quiet and awakens at the first sign it gets. Maybe it’s a picture, a dream or just a thought that awakens the beast and fuels it.

This ball of hate isn’t very different from how grief behaves for it is sometimes patient, sometimes overwhelming, sometimes quiet and sometimes crushing. It leaves you burning, filed with rage, unable to see beauty or recognise kindness. It It makes your heart beat faster, your breathing shorter and shrinks your insides.

I believe in karma, I await karma for the wrong doers. I should probably await it for myself as well.

Unfortunately, karma doesn’t always look satisfying to the outside eyes. It seems fair to expect karma to abide by simple rules like ‘an eye for an eye’. It doesn’t. When karma comes, you may not even know it, you may not even recognise it. How tragic!

Here I am, carrying yet another ball, for there was already one I was living with. Weirdly, they relate to similar circumstances.

One more and I’ll start juggling! One more seems inevitable anyway.

You, me, millions of others are unable or unwilling to forgive. We make little balls of hate from our mercilessness and hide them, somehow we cherish them, waiting for the first hopeful sign of karma, of divine revenge. We usually avoid talking about them, we avoid admitting they are there, in our hearts, weighting us down. We certainly never admit we are gladly carrying such weight. It is too hard to explain anyway.

Life goes on, good things still happen. Hate and love can coexist in our hearts it seems.