I still cry in my sleep

Most days, I feel better than the day before. Some mornings, I even have the feeling that I can conquer the world again! A lightness I had not felt for almost 2 years.

But I still cry in my sleep…

A lake in Sweden

I’ve just realized it. The morning puffiness, the irritated eyes’ corners, the marks on my pillow… I had noticed a few times before, but always brushed it off. Sometimes telling myself I probably hadn’t removed my mascara properly. Sometimes blaming the breeze in my bedroom as the culprit.

The 2nd anniversary of my mom’s passing is approaching and I have to be realistic:

I’m still grieving.

It’s ok. It’s not that bad. I rarely have episodes where I burst into tears with my guts torn apart. At least during my awaken hours.

Most of the time, when thinking of my mom, I have found memories but don’t turn these into hours of torture because of the things I said, done or not done. These memories are just passing by, like little souvenirs of a different life.

My days are again fairly normal. As normal as can be. No outburst of rage, pain or sudden meltdown. No exaggerated reaction to mundane events. No need to retreat and avoid people at all cost. Not more than usual at least!

I even caught myself being all chatty and joyous on the phone the other day! It was such that I noticed!

So after almost 2 years, I thought I was ‘back to normal’.

A Lake in Sweden

But one of my dear friend lost her mom just a few weeks back and I’m ashamed to say I have been unable to face this with her. I loved her mom very much. She was a really cool mom! But I have been unable to face her passing. It’s been just too hard.

It’s unlike me. It is so unlike me that I had to come to accept that I’m not over the passing of my mom. Any small rock on my path can make me trip and take me back to the loop I was caught in. So it seems I don’t just avoid rocks, I avoid walking. I’m ashamed of it.

This is what lead me to realize I still cry in my sleep. It’s not my mascara, it’s not because the window is open. I don’t cry in my sleep because of some allergies…

I cry in my sleep because I’m still grieving.

Oh and because I’m so scared to loose my dad too.

It’s the new norm I guess. I feel like I have to accept it. There will be more mornings with puffy eyes.

*****

My series titled “life lessons” is like a diary for me. So you don’t need to read it!

If you’ve recently lost someone dear to you, if you are grieving… if your life seems stuck or if things have changed in a way you barely understand, this series may not bring you comfort, but it will probably show you that you are not alone in this.