It’s been 4 months, yet some days, it feels like yesterday.
Last week, I received one more bad news. Although it wasn’t the one I have been dreading, it threw me on the floor.
I thought I was doing better. I thought I was healing. And I was, I’m almost sure… Most days before that, my mind was usually clear enough to work. Most days, my eyes weren’t getting watery, without any warning. That, alone, felt like progress. Despite these little improvements, I knew the pain was still there but I was convinced that it was confined to a deep area of my soul, like a little prison, from which it wouldn’t escape. Something I could live with, but could never get rid off completely.
However, sometimes, I had doubts about the veracity of such thoughts…
At one point, I started to notice that things that would have, in the past, made me laugh, could now only get me to smile a little. Things that I used to love, suddenly had little meaning to me. I realized that motivation, to do things I used to love doing, wasn’t back. In addition I noticed, that it took me an incredible amount of energy to interact with people, so much more than usual.
But actually it’s worst than that. People piss me off! I have times when my level of annoyance with petty matters is so hight that I could explode. And it’s not just people who piss me off, it’s everything and anything.
So I got to face it, I am most of the time, grim and pissed off, at best. It just took me a while to realize it.
To start with, I thought it was a normal consequence of grief anyway. Plus it’s winter and I’m not a huge fan. I thought I was just tired, so tired all the time. I considered it might be my diet, that I needed to step up. I considered so many options! So I started cooking better again. I tried meditating again but even with guided meditations, I would just be going through stuff again and again. Intense exercise helped because, while focusing on how much pain my body was in, I could not focus on how much my soul was hurting!
Now I know that I’m just caught in a loop where my wounds heal a little and any news, any event, any words, can reopen them. My pain isn’t locked up as I had tried to convince myself. It is there, right on the surface. It acts like a shield, preventing any happiness to enter.
Just to be clear, I am mostly a cheerful person. More of an introvert, but still chatty & funny. Funny at least from clumsiness, but still! I’m also a little too sensitive.
This new bleak and gloomy state isn’t me and it’s not who I want to be. I do not want it to take residence and I certainly don’t want it to leave traces.
Thankfully, I’m one of those who believe that a problem that has been identified is half solved. I just haven’t found a way to pass the 50% line! The ideas I have on how to handle this are not too realistic at this point and overall are probably bad ideas.
I’ll keep thinking and I’ll get back to you on that!
For now I’ll add this:
They say Time heals all wounds. Dear Time, please get cracking on your job! Many thanks.