Since the beginning of the year, I regularly have the feeling that something has been lifted off of my shoulders. It’s a perfectly delightful feeling of course!
Last year was not a great year. As I had just lost my mom, so the year didn’t start well. For most part, I was just a shadow of myself. Going from completely numbed, to being in excruciating pain. From sleeping all the time, to not sleeping at all… I tried to somehow fonction to work, not sure how. I tried to take care of my dad and put on a brave face. We started renovating his old Indian Scout bike as I realized that was something motivating for him. Something to share, something to focus on. I started loving it but it was also something very demanding, which got me even more tired.
I was grieving my mom and grieving was terribly taxing on my health, my sanity, my everything. Grieving was for me like having chains tight around me. Sometimes the chains were loosely tight and I could smile and even almost forget about them. But sometimes the chains were so tangled, that I couldn’t breath.
In addition to grieving my mom, I was sh*t scared to loose my dad too. His health was deteriorating and, his grief, was leading him to the grave.
To add to the clutter of awful feelings I had, I had to say goodbye to some of my friends. They’re still alive, don’t worry, but our friendships aren’t. At first, I felt resentment toward them because they weren’t there for me when I most needed help. I know I had shut everybody out, but some of my friends pushed through and land me a hand. Some didn’t. So when I got my head a little over the mucky waters, I cut those tights. It was a necessary step for me. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was just my new friend called grief, which lead me into that direction. I don’t think so at this point.
So yeah, indeed the year had not started well!
And then Autumn came and my dad’s health got so bad that he finally agreed to see a doctor. This lead him straight to the hospital for a heart surgery. And just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, they did! Just recalling the 2 months I went through, brings tears to my eyes.
His heart surgery and these 2 months turned out to be a blessing in disguise. For him as he is doing so much better now and for me too.
I had feared loosing him for most of last year, but with the prospect of the heart surgery, my fear escalated exponentially. And you know what? This fear was like a lighting bolt that jolted me out of my grief. It stroke the chains of grief that had wrapped around me and I broke free.
I’ll admit that I didn’t brake free intentional. For most it was just a necessity.
I didn’t even realize it when it happened. I only noticed when my dad was back home and all was well.
Nether the less, I am free and I feel alive again.
That was how I let go of 2018!
Now, this new year is just starting and I don’t have a crystal ball to see how the rest of the year will play, but I am now optimistic. A feeling I haven’t had for a long time!
A new year
I was never a “New year, New me” kind of gal. It never worked for me.
This year is so different!
I’ve started working on my various projects again. I’ve got back into a more structured routine. Such routine does include a lot of trips to spend time with my dad. But I’m not afraid anymore, to arrive there and see how bad he is doing. On the contrary, I’m optimistic we’ll spend a nice time together, including long afternoons working on his bike. (You really check it out, it’s fun to see me speak about mechanics!)
As for this blog, I’ll hopefully manage to stop pouring my heart out in this “life lessons” section and instead get back into more fun stuffs. I have a couple projects you’ll probably like.
I do have to tell you that I have started sewing with my 1920’s Singer machine for example! That may not be interesting to you, but I’m having a blast with all the clever vintage attachments that I got with it! I had already shared this hat I made, but I’m sooo much more adventurous now!
I’ll have to tell you about my depth year… But that will be for another post.
For now, I want to say thank you for sticking around despite this blog being a complete mess, despite me sharing my darkest feelings and all the rest. So…