Mostly… ok, partly… well… not at all! This turns out to not be a happy entry…
Forewords (I’m back with the usual ones for a slightly different reason)
Months go by and sometimes it feels like they are just a repeat of the previous ones, with more sunshine, or with more troubles than the previous ones. A little tweak here and there, yet overall, life unfolding and repeating itself.
This November felt different although at this point, I feel nothing. November and I’m betting December, are not months that I’m going to want to remember. The duality and sometimes complexity of life and emotions is what stroke me most.
Once more, I’m letting you know, you don’t need to read what’s below. You really shouldn’t read if you are not feeling well. I’m not either…
November highlights I need to remember
October ended with a super fun, long weekend with friends so technically, this is also how November started. Next was the long weekend in London followed by a long weekend with my dad. Indeed by now, you know that long weekends is all I do!! It’s also exhausting for me to keep up with such a pace, so I was glad to have no commitments for the last 2 weeks of the month and 2 weekends at home to handle things here.
That was the plan but this isn’t how November ended but let’s remember the good part first.
London was a little better than I had expected. Despite being 100% family obligations, it included some new understanding which made things slightly easier. These came one morning as I got up early to get some ‘me time’. I probably had dreams that night and such dreams brought clarity, a new level of understanding and peace of mind. Things were easier after that.
Getting back and leaving again a few days later for once actually felt great. It felt like I had an actual life, not just responsibilities and piles of boxes summarizing such a life.
And so another weekend with my dad was spent and I managed to enjoy it! We started rebuilding the Peugeot as anticipated and this felt great too.
At that point, I was happy to report great progress on the packing side. The temporary apartment was reserved, the move was scheduled for early January, progress were made on the new apartment…
So the last 2 weeks of the months were going to be about self-care, workouts, naps… That was the plan, it didn’t go as planned.
It all went downhill really.
November: the sad and ugly part
My dad called and it was already fairly late when I called him back and got the news: My aunt had passed away. During surgery, the same surgery he had gone through 3 years ago, at the same hospital, by the same surgeon. He was in shock, I was too.
From there, it all went downhill.
Grief is a nasty thing. I know my reaction wasn’t solely linked to the passing of my aunt. I think it brought back, in a huge crashing wave, the grief I had felt when my mom passed, as well as the fear of my dad’s passing… and it crushed me.
Then you wait to get the info for the funeral. Time stands still for a while. You try to get organized and then, numbed from head to toes, you just go. You loose your mind, unsure if you brushed your teeth, unsure of what to wear, not remembering if you locked the door, how you drove there, who was there… It’s all a blur but somehow you make it there, somehow, you are happy to be reunited with your family.
We got back from the funeral, empty. Empty of feelings, empty of energy. Such space to be soon filled by ugly emotions, because it is so much easier to get mad than to be happy.
So I left. I feel stupid and mean for leaving earlier than planned, but I did. I told my dad that I had work but the reality was that I was way too upset with him, with his decision to let go. I wasn’t yet sure, but on the trip back, I understood, it became clear. What I suspected earlier suddenly made sense and I was even more upset.
My guardian angels had a lot to do to keep me safe on the way back, as my eyes were often blurry from the tears that would not stop coming, while I was driving. I made it back, feeling barely alive.
What is left of me
October wasn’t that pretty emotionally. I had tried to navigate my petty feelings the best I could but I still ruminated a lot. I didn’t know how to handle everything I had to do without having a nervous breakdown. I was on the verge of burnout in reality, I felt it and it scared me.
The long weekend we spent with our friends helped greatly. It put everything on hold and it felt really good, but such feeling didn’t last. The 2 days that came after were just as bad as before.
Then something shifted with the new moon and the eclipse. I gained the certainty I could manage it all, and so I did, for a little while. Yes, this is a lot about the move, but not just that. It’s also about the new apartment, my work, my projects…
Again, in London, some new light was shed and I knew there after, that I could get help anytime I needed it. I felt mostly grateful after that but it didn’t last.
Because things turned for the worst with the passing of my aunt. I was a mess before going, I was a mess there. It broke me. It wasn’t just about my aunt, it was about my dad too.
Now, I’m unsure of where I stand, or even if I still stand.
I’m lost, drained and still surrounded by boxes, a move that is getting closer and closer, a lot of work, a lot of things on standby with the new apartment. I wish I could just curl up and disappear for a while, but I can’t.
Annual review and goal settings
As you may have read, I had started my annual review pretty early this year. I was eager to cross a few more things from the list before the end of the year.
However after that, I had trouble deciding what my priorities should be for next year. Too many things came to my mind, it was slightly confusing, considering I’m not quite sure how to handle things with my new client and there are a lot of uncertainty still, with the new apartment.
Despite all of this, I had made progress but I just can’t share at this point. I have no brain power to write about the process or even focus on any of it.
I still think you should, if you can! Don’t wait for the New Year!
I does feel a little weird to me to have this here, after the above but it’s a section I want to keep up with, at least until the end of the year.
Money investment: As for last month, I invested a minimum amount because there are a lot of spending coming with the finalization of our new apartment and that’s a priority. Mintos’ interest rate seems to go down, but it might because of my settings. I need to keep an eye on it.
Drawing / sewing: Nada, all is packed away! Saddle is back at my dad’s place and I might find the strength to explain why, in a couple weeks.
Pam? Rest is important. Some days were hard, some days were a blast. Funerals and workouts are incompatible.
Skincare? I talked about my Typology. splurge before and although it was difficult at first to get into such a routine, I now love it and I’m seeing great results, including with my hair! Because indeed, I have expanded my product line.
Best buy of the month
The new feet for my table! Despite the issues, despite the unfinished business.
A week-end in Paris and Christmas of course. Both are frightening actually.