Summer dreams gone by

When the Universe wants you to focus on the big picture, you ought to listen… carefully…

Sunset view - stay in the Camargue region - South of France -

Just like that, Summer came and brought with it dreams of freedom, much needed vacation, maybe time abroad but especially this year, some carefree time.

After over a year deep into a pandemic, being care free felt like a goal on its own, when it used to be something we did without even realizing it.

Hugging our friends, laughing too loud, blowing birthday candles sitting on the cake, testing wine from each other glasses, did I mention hugging?! Yes hugging and kissing and just touching without washing our hands every 2 seconds. There used to be no hand sanitizer in sight, no masks… just smiles & laughter.

Oh, did I long too for these moments! I wanted to sit close to my friends, I wanted to meet new people without looking at them like they might be radioactive, I wanted to stop analyzing their every move, to see if they touched their nose or mouth and then touched a handle or a spoon or what else.

Yes, I’ve been extra careful for over a year. Not socializing and keeping good distance from others. For myself but especially for my dad. In truth, he hasn’t been as careful as I have been and it’s been annoying, no frustrating. Actually, let me be super honest… It’s been completely infuriating!

For almost 4 years, he has been in my 3 top priority list and for the past year, I’ve kept my distance from everyone and anyone, to keep him safe. I’ve cut myself from the world to keep him safe. Mostly because I do not want to be responsible if he get sick. So in fact, I’m also protecting myself from the guilt.

Meanwhile he’s been living his mostly normal life. Nothing fancy, just days passing by. Yes, he wears a mask when mandatory but not always properly. Yes, by all means, my dad is amongst the covidiots. He doesn’t really care.

I sometime resent him but mostly I know part of it is because he is old. Part of it is because he has lived through decades of other threats and part of it is because he has enough of it. He doesn’t need to care anymore. His prime is gone and days are just a step closer to the tomb. Waiting patiently for the last one. Since my mom is gone, he is just waiting to be reunited with her.

Part of me understand it. Part of me doesn’t of course. Maybe I’ll understand if I reach his age or his circumstances.

My summer dreams were about making new memories

Since I knew I would be fully vaccinated by the beginning of July, thus limiting the risks greatly, I wanted to enjoy summer. I wanted to be care free, even if for just a little while. It wasn’t about going to a concert. Not even about shaking my booty on a dance floor! My care free summer was more of a state of mind. Maybe it could have included a bit of sight seeing, a castle or a museum or both. It should have included seeing my friends and family, having barbecues and too many drinks… all outside!

I also dreamt of taking a few days off, somewhere else then at my dad’s place, maybe renting an AirB&B or even going to a hotel and may I dare say even going to a restaurant!! Even grabbing some take-out and eating outside, by a river stream or else, sounded adventurous! Yes I know, it kind of sound pathetic, but after being so extremely careful for over a year, just being in a public space, for a certain amount of time, with a number of people felt daring!

It was all about making new memories, memories of happy times and this doesn’t have to be complicated.

Alas, summer hasn’t felt like summer where we live. Nature isn’t happy with us, humans. Floods after floods have been devastating our region and up North, while fires are raging in the South. Somehow trapped in the middle, although such middle offers plenty of opportunities, it put a damper on my excitement.

Unfortunately, Covid resurgence, variants and covidiots put the final nail to the coffin which turned out to be holding my summer dreams.

Wen summer came and while I was dreaming of such excitements, I had the feeling that I would not manage that much. I already knew Summer would be fading before I could put my plans into motion. I still hoped for the best!

The August New Moon

With the August New Moon and the Lionsgate came peace of mind. I know New Moons are about new beginning, new phases and are important for setting new intentions.

Weirdly, this New Moon felt like it was time to make peace with the death of my Summer dreams.

With this New Moon, I remembered I was never a Summer Gal anyway. The heat usually slows me down way too much. My skin burns like the one of a vampire. My birthday may be in July, but July isn’t usually a great month for me! Just usually way too hot!

This year has been different as temperatures have been far cooler than usual. And this year, I realized that my weekends at my Dad’s place have been great. Camping was fun and just what I needed. Watching the sunrise while sipping my coffee was just what the doctor should have prescribed. Obviously, riding Minty was nothing but amazing. And so I made plenty of new memories, not the ones I thought I would make but incredibles ones nevertheless.

This Summer didn’t come with family reunions, parties with friends or far away travel. Instead it brought new beginnings.

As I crossed on Minty, the invisible barrier I had created for myself, I partially came to such realization. When my client emailed me with a new incredible business proposal, I freaked out but was amazed of what it would mean. Every time I looked at the muscles on my arms, my thighs, or my shape in the mirror and noticed some changes in my body, I was pleased.

There were many, small but meaningful moments. Too many to describe each of them. They brought a smile to my face and peace to my mind, at least in such instant.

I still didn’t fully comprehend what it all meant, until this New Moon. Changes can be scary too and fear can be more powerful than joy and contentment. So I got scared, I held back sometimes. I overlooked the progress and changes. But the New Moon didn’t tolerate such attitude! It demanded recognition, for Summer didn’t bring exactly what I wanted, but it sure brought what I needed.

The New Moon shed lights on the fact that much bigger things were happening. Small blessings were numerous anyway, but clearly the Universe was focussed on the big picture and so should I.

Sunset view from the Talasnal Schist Village-Serra-da-Lousã - Portugal

A summer of new beginnings

I can’t pin point when this transformational phase started precisely. I feel it has been a process, something that has been brewing for a long time actually. I had accepted gladly certain changes, not realizing, at first, these were just phases of a much bigger plan. I can identify certain elements now and can say ‘that’s why it was!’

It is fun now! It is easier to accept with some clarity! Moving forward almost blindly has been tiring. It didn’t really feel like moving forward. But now that the process is well engaged, now that I have more clarity, I can accept going faster.

The New Moon actually brought clarity. It lifted the shadows which is somehow ironic.

And now I accept that this summer isn’t going to be parties & friends but instead a summer of new beginnings.

Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t know exactly where I’m going! However I now have this deep knowledge, that it is the right direction for me. That great things await and that I just need to move toward them.

This is it. May seem cryptic at times or at least vague but I thought I should share such experience on how the Lionsgate we’ve been hearing about affected me. If you feel stuck in the in between. If you’ve been working toward certain goals but don’t really know if you are getting any closer, maybe this will help you accept that such doubts are part of the process. Don’t let them hold you back and continue to work on your goals, until the shadows dissipate. And if you’ve had some set back and your plans haven’t been working out, maybe it’s because the Universe wants you to focus on something different or is just requiring trust from you.

South of France - sunset

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.