Grieving someone is a privilege. You are the one alive and they are dead. You will obviously grief the loss of a person dear to your heart, but what happens when your relationship with the now deceased was ‘complicated’?

And by ‘complicated’, I mean, when this person abused you.

When I got the message telling me he was on his death bed, and that it was a matter of hours, maybe days, before he would pass, I was just puzzled. I wanted to be sad but couldn’t. Part of me was. For his children and grand children. But mostly, I was sort of relieved and of course a bit ashamed for feeling that way.

The work I had been doing the past months had helped me retrace a lot of the pain I’m caring to my childhood and uncovered the trauma he had caused. It explained so much about some of my behaviours, my fears, my scars. He wasn’t the only one, but he was the main pillar. He is the one who stole my childhood and innocence. He was my abuser and the other adults around just didn’t protect me.

He did pass away the next day and I truly felt relief. It’s sort of stupid. First because I had not seen him for a fairly long time. The past decade or so, and since a car accident, he was diminished physically. He was still a predator, I could feel it, but he couldn’t act on his instincts anymore. His death didn’t mean that I was suddenly safe, as I had been for a long time.

Relief also felt stupid because it’s not like death came as a punishment for his deeds. Death was not a punishment for what he had done, to me and others, it was just what it is.

I didn’t go to his funeral. At first, I thought I should and it paralysed me. I think I was partly scared to feel sad for him. I’m not sure really but I’m sure he didn’t deserve my sadness. And yet, I wanted to be there for his children. You’re supposed to go to funerals to pay your respect to the dead, but I think you mostly go to funerals to support the people who are still alive. At least in my view it matters more.

I’m a little ashamed I didn’t go but the truth is that I just wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t strong enough to hear people talk about him in a loving way. To hear about the happy times they had with him.

The other truth is that I didn’t trust myself to not scream at them that he was a predator, an abuser, a shitty human and that most of them were complacent.

So what now? Do you grieve after the death of your abuser or not?

It’s complicated apparently. But should it be?

To grieve someone is a privilege of the living, for the loved ones we lost. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a terrible thing to experience and I have had my fair share already. However, this time, I don’t feel bad for not grieving this person. I analysed my feelings and concluded that I didn’t feel any sorrow and even most importantly that I was ok with it.

And maybe it is that simple. Maybe you get to decide if you’re going to feel bad or not. Maybe.

I’m not going to go into details about what he had done to me. It could have been worst and I know lots of people go through much worst, but it doesn’t matter. We’re not here to measure the trauma, to justify it or else. It isn’t what should lead your decision anyway.

If you need help

No matter what has happened to you, if you ever find yourself in such a situation and can’t really describe how you feel when your abuser passes away, do know there is no right or wrong answer.

Maybe you’ll want to remember the good bits. Maybe you’ve moved on enough to go to their funeral. Maybe not. Maybe it will help you shed some of the guilt. Maybe it will be the starting point of your healing. All is possible and more.

If you choose to dig into your feelings, whatever they are, make sure you do so for yourself. Not because you want to convince yourself that you are a good person and so you should grief. Not because you of their family or how you want to be perceived. Only for you, your health, your peace of mind. Accept the feelings you are feeling, even if it is relief, joy, shame, fear or grief.

It will be difficult to do so, and even more difficult if you haven’t entirely processed your trauma so please be ready to seek assistance if needed.

Moving on…

It hasn’t been easy, I watched all my feelings tangle up and flow over me as the big mess they were. I accepted them and now I’m ready to move on. There is a lesson in even the most painful times and for me it is that I won’t let the trauma he caused define me or lead me anymore.

A page is turning and it is somehow even beautiful.

I hope that you may find peace as well if you ever face this situation.